postcardnights

i've been dealing with my feelings got me crying all the time, my eyes no longer dry just like our sex life or my drinking. and i can tell it'll take a while cause i cannot help but smile when i see your face or think about your voice, this wasn't my choice, but i still suffer the consequence, and consequently i'm on the fence about whether or not we could've, should've held out a little longer.
but i have given all i've got and you're not the willing, you're the fighter, there's a lighter way to see things but your work just made you tighter. holds your happy in its grasp and still you live behind a mask, at last just open up your eyes and see i loved you all the time, with me you never had to worry about a thing but you just think and think and think and sink into your little hole and the only solution a resolution to deny yourself, and lie to yourself, you think you're undeserving of a life thats full health and wealth will come to those who live, not to those who starve themselves.and the matches on my table bring a fire i wasn't able to light inside your heart, i'll have to settle for the part of the lover that was lost, the final bridge you had to burn to learn that life's not worth the living cost you're losing time and wasting mine i hope you find whatever it is. hope you meet yourself and she will ask you why the hell you let me go, you loved me so, but didn't know enough to try. so i cry, like i said, in my bed, i hold my head because it aches for the days i knew before we took our last 3 breaks. I tried too hard to make you see the steps i'd take to be with you, to break you, please don't come back here, out of fear of doing the work you claim you need. we all need help, but i am bleeding, i've been holding on too hard, and i'm exhausted, you've been feeding off my pain whether you were meaning to or not, emptied my veins, we're in too deep, i've been taunted so it seems and all i need is a good nights sleep. but i weep so loud i cannot find my dreams, my screams are keeping me awake, i shake but oh so subtly.

Loneliness comes and goes, like a breeze, seemingly from out of nowhere but all of a sudden giving you chills. Although, I'm sure, a real breeze, a gust of wind, is just the result of something so much deeper, like a wave in the ocean, miles away. So the time goes by and something, or someone, that happened to you, moves farther and farther away. The months are like the miles between the ocean and the tree that is now rapping at your window, so by the time the pain gets to your heart you've forgotten why it hurts or that you had prepared yourself for this months ago.

knowing that something is over before you're ready is such a terrible feeling. like, you could be enjoying one of the best movies you've seen in a long time, or so you think. you're expecting a natural progression, a descent to the conclusion, and all of a sudden the screen goes black, you hold your breathe a second, waiting for the next scene to start, where all the ends get tied up, or the family gets back together, or they hint toward a sequel, but instead the stark white letters of the credits pop up on the screen, along with some perfectly placed song that boasts the trickery of the un forseen ending. it leaves you unsettled and wanting to just go see another movie just to forget how disappointed you are.

this is how i feel. you are like a movie, with all of my favorite characters, that i could watch forever. the, over and over again, know all the words to and relate every real life situation to, kind of movie. yet, there was always that part of the movie that you wish they didn't put in, the one that didn't make any sense, but for some reason there it is, at the 00:52:45 mark. it's the scene where one might get up to make a cup of tea or relieve their bladder, but be sure to be back before 00:55:04, because it jumps right back to the best thing you've ever laid eyes on. it's just too bad that you watch the movie so much that what would be a mere 2 min and 19 seconds out of your day, turns into a significant amount of time and makes you not want to watch the movie at all. or if it were possible to write to the editors and have them make a special cut of the movie just for you, so that it was just a tad shorter but resulting in a truly divine piece of cinematic genius. i wonder how much that would cost.

just a paper bag

i knew this boy once, maybe it was twice, it could have even been three times.
he broke my heart again and again, but i just kept letting him back in. to rip me apart and tear me to shreds and everytime it made me want him even more. like a monster, a menace, a cancer with no cure. he sure did a good job at keeping me down, and through all my pain i'd smile to keep him up and around. up and down, up and down, was all he was about. so i scream and i shout, and i'll never get it out, cause he's got selective hearing in those forever burning ears. can't he hear? he can't hear me and my throat is getting dry, like the bottom of the beer tap at 1:59. he drowns out my voice with his whiskey of choice. i can't pay attention, the tension makes the room spin. he's seeing me in double, maybe that's why he looks so scared.

i knew this boy once, or have i already told you. i've got this condition getting worse as i get older. stop crying on his shoulder he's been mocking me for years. through beers and cigarettes and thousands of pounds of tears. it makes me sick to my stomach like the worst menstrual cramp. my legs even hurt, from running after him. a lost little boy, over and over, and for as long as i can remember he's never been the one to crawl back. he'll just sit there and wait for me.;

a blog worthy joint

i never get stoned. now, that doesn't mean i don't smoke pot, but i usually don't get stoned. i get a little lifted from time to time, maybe high, but never stoned. but yesterday, i was stoned.

i had a therapy appointment yesterday for the first time since i was probably 14. maybe it was the fact that i got to release to a total stranger, or i was just a little excited to rememedy what has been going on with me lately (forever), but when i left there, i was already high. i was definitely on some sort of adrenaline rush, and i was happy and smiling, life was grand. i was booked to go into my moms friend's studio and record some stuff, but when i stopped by my house on the way from therapy, i thought i'd take a hit off a joint, which is the most usual thing for me to do.

chaos insued.

i was trying to get my shit together, eat something, and get out of the house and not be late. i made food, but decided to put it in a tupperware and bring it with me (when in reallity, i lagged so fucking hard that i should've just eaten it before i left) then i thought i was ready. i locked the front door, got out to my car, realizing i had forgotten my sunglasses (but also realized the sun was going down so i probably wouldn't need them very long and could live without them) backed out of my driveway and remembered a sweater that i wanted to wear (then had a reason to get sunglasses anyways, on trip to get sweater) i got out of my car, brought my keys, locked the car, unlocked my house, get into my room,
and

blank.

what the fuck did i come in here for?
sunglasses? (no, those were secondary, but get them anyways since you thought of it)
fiona apple c.d? (looked for it, then realized it was in my ipod, in the car, and c.d. would be unneccesary)
ah, sweater!!! walk over to closet, stare. no fucking clue of which one it was (it was a specific sweater i wanted, and it doesn't reside in my closet) so, i grabbed any old thing and ran out the door with nothing i had gone in for.

i get back to my car, close the gate behind me, start the engine, and remembered exactly which sweater it was that i had forgotten. i decided to let it go, and proceeded to drive to the studio, actually stoned, trying to eat udon noodles, (which if anybody knows, are huge and impossible to eat while driving a stick shift). im not quite sure how to end this.. oh and i got lost on the way to the studio, which i NEVER do, really, i know my way around damnit. anyways, it was kind of fun to live like the other half for an hour or so, but then it went away. never to return again.

1. I need: peace
2. Sex: of course
3. Relationships: leave me alone
4. Your Last Ex: love him
5. Power: oh yes.
6. Marijuana: oohhhh yesss.
7. Crack: oh no!!!!
8. Food: mmmm. ethiopian
9. This President: FUCKER!!!!!!
10. War: FUCK!!!!
11. Cars: transportation?
12. Gas Prices:stupid
13. Halloween: sooo not stupid
14. Bon Jovi: god, soo stupid
15. Religion: be still and know tht i am god.
16. MySpace: ...
17. Worst Fear: not acheiving my full potential
18. Marriage: nice concept
19. Fashion: victim, bitch
20. Brunettes: been one
21. Redheads: been one too.
22. Blondes: some of them try just a little too hard.
23. Respect: got it!!!
24. Football: right.
25. One night Stands: booty. haha, i mean like, booty, in a bad way, but booty is pretty funny.
26. Awesome: possum
27. Pixie Stix: children
23. Pass the time: gilmoms
28. Vanilla Ice Cream: eh.
29. Porta Potties: grossy mcgrosserson, but i can hang. (budum chhh)<--that was the little joke drummy thing.
30. High school: OFY
31. Pajamas: jen smith
32. Woods: fashion bear
33. Surfers: jeff
34. Pictures: i took of myself (og)
35. First Love: jack daniels

here goes:

i left the los angeles international airport at 11 am on sunday the 20th.... no wait, i was supposed to leave then, but when i was packing, i somehow managed to forget the most important thing when traveling internationally, my passport! my flight was at 11 and it was about 9:50 whe i waltzed up to the check in counter of mexicana airlines and heard hose 2 famous words "passport please". it was literally the first time i had even thoguht about my passport in months. my heart sunk down to the tip of my toes. i immediately called my mother to see if she could possibly make it to me in time. luckily, i knew exactly where it was and in minutes, she was on her way.10:00,.....10:15.....10:20, the time was flying by. i kept calling¨" where are you now?" the 10 and the 405..... 5 minutes "where are you now?" getting off the freeway. 5 minutes " and now?" she says" i´m outside of terminal 4, where you said you were" me: "no, i am outside of terminal 4 and i don´t see you anywhere" this went back and forth for what felt like forever until the voice of reason in my head said " mom, are you at arrivals?!!!" considering i was departing to mexico, that probably wouldn´t have worked out so much. so i ran downstairs (because LAX is like it´s own fucking city,) through time square, and found myself at the arriving terminal 4, (it was about 10:34 at this point, but whose counting) i was poised to grab the passport from the moving vehicle like one of those tag team runners at the olympics. "hi, thank you sooo much, i love you, bye" And she´s off, running as fast as she can with a huge backpack on and a passport in her hand trying not to look like the douchebag she is for forgetting the most vital travel item. up the stairs, through the terminal doors, cutting through the line and STOP!!!!! the damn security guard at the front of the line, just seconds away from the woman who would set me free, says in his best broken english " where are you going?" i rambled on, out of breath, passport, plane, miss my flight, hurry, woman said i could... "what flight maám?" i responded, catching my breath, " 929 at 11 am". without hesitation and no sympathy in his eyes, like a robot programmed to break the hearts of travelers everywhere he replied " that flight is closed". Crushed and oh so tired, completely ready to just forget the whole thing and go home and crawl into my non foreign bed, i walked out of the airport crying. not a forced cry, but certainly not holding back, i just cried. i gained my composure after a few mintues, i went over to the ticket sales counter and pleaded with them about how, not only to get me on a flight to mexico city as soon as possible, but once i got there, to switch my existing flight from mexico city to the state of oaxaca, to a more specific flight from mexico city to huatulco, which is actually where i was going. they searched around with a disconcerting look on thier faces and informed me that to do so would cost as much as my original round trip tickets alltogether.

Defeated the put me on the next flight to mexico city which was at noon, and i would miss if i didn´t get a move on. my flight wasn´t soo bad. imet a woman from santa barabara that is originally from mexico city, she works for the 4 seasons, catering or something, she told me a story about working one of oprahs party´s. thrilling. she was with her neice, they were going to visit her diabetic grandmother. i gave the neice my window seat and a peice of paper and a pen, to keep her occupied, and went to sleep. i had only gotten 3 hours of sleep the night before. in no time, i was in the airport in mexico city, drinking a starbucks, trying yet again to change my flight. the whole reason for the was that my brother is staying in huatulco, and that is about as far away from oaxaca city as san fransisco is to los angeles, and my new flight, which doesn´t leave this airport until 9:25, would put me in oaxaca at 11 pm. which then puts me on a bus from oaxaca city to huatulco, all night long. after realizing my efforts were getting me nowhere, i just waited. checked my email using my credit card which cost me, god knows how much, and waited some more. once on the plane, i read a little about lindsey lohans alleged party ways and nick and jessica´s divorce drama and before i knew it i had arrived, in oaxaca city that is, where i was instructed to find the bus termianl that would take me to huatulco. "¿donde esta la terminal de autobus?" i was pointed to the taxi´s whom i figured out through my minute spanish skills would take me to the terminal. so, i paid 70.00 pesos (the equivalent of 7 dollars) and got in this taxi van with about 10 other mexican citizens, one of which being a woman, who was the first to be dropped off in what seemed like an alley of sorts. it was getting late, and i had been informed that the last bus to huatulco left the bus station at midnight. it seemed like the taxi was dropping people off at thier respective houses, one at a time. the less and less people in the van, the more worried i got that i was just going to end up yet another gueda sacrificed to the city of oaxaca, never to be seen again, with no phone number to reach my brother on and no way of communicatin with anyone here. luckily, at about 11:45 i saw a bus outside the window of the cab, then another.. we stopped. i got out and low and behold, there was the bus station, in all of it´s mexican glory. i ran in, bought a ticket to huatulco for 210 pesos, and i was told the bus would leave in about an hour, and would take 8 hours to get there. once again, i waited. i walked around the outside of the station, looking for a phone card, or a phone that wopuld take my credit card, with no luck. i walked by some cute french dude who were smoking a joint and unfortunately offered it to me, i walked away and said nothing, because even if i still smoked, getting high in oaxaca with some strangers at midnight, although sounding kind of fun, is probably more dangerous than it´s worth. so i sat in the bus station, doing wordsearches, while a scary, old, drunk, mexican dude never took his bloodshot eyes off of me.



finally, at around 12:45 i heard them announce that my bus had arrived. i was the first on on, and found my seat, which contrary to my expectations was pretty comfortable, and reclined as well. i tried to go to sleep, which proved to be quite dificult, what, with the air conditioner on full blast making it literally like an ice box, and the driver listening to mariachi music at an inconvenient sound level. going in and out of sleep for hours, trying to keep warm under a skirt i had in my bag which was now over me like a shawl (my brother had told me to bring as little as possible) i opened my eyes and asked the bus driver "¿que hora es?" to which he replied " tres y cuarto" 3:15, soo not 9 inthe morning, which i was unrealisticly wishing he would say.i tried to sleep some more and when i woke up we were stopped at this wierd bus driver coffee port. i looked out ht ewindow and there was our driver, and anothe driver hddled around two coffee pots on table underneath a tarp, in about 5 minutes, we were on our way again. when i woke up again we were pulling into a bus station which i was sure was not huatulco because the clock on the outside said 6:30, and that was far too early. it was salina cruz, but i knew we were close.- about 2 and half hours later we pulled into a little town that i knew was huatulco. i got out and started walking. found a cab and told him in my best spanish where i thought he should go.just as i was thinking i was lost again, i saw my brother waling across the street in front of our car. i excalimed "aqui aqui", paid him, and jumped out. i made it.

1st installment of china blog. ready people?
Category: Travel and Places

day 1:
first of all, i stayed up all night on saturday night in preparation for the longest flight of my life (which turned out to be even longer) on sunday morning. i left my house for the airport at about 4:30am. got to the airport, all was simple, no problems, got a $8 burrito from la salsa at LAX, which would be the most money i would spend on food in 2 weeks, and sat on the floor by the over crowded gate. another girl that looked about my age said "pull up some carpet, eh?". we got to talking and realized her boyfriend and my dad are on the same movie and had been working together for months, and we were now travel buddies. the flight from Los Angeles to San Francisco was short and sweet, and i think i was sleeping the whole time anyway. Ashley and i hung out at the SF airport for our layover, which made the 3 hours a little more bearable, and kept me awake long enough to catch the second plane, which by the way was the biggest fucking plane i have ever seen in my life, let alone been on. i watched a crappy movie starring lindsay lohan (big surprise eh?) surrounded by chinese people that all seemed to know eachother and then fell asleep for what i was dreaming would be about 12 hours, but no, i woke up 2 and half hours into the flight with about 9 hours left. i read, i ate, watched a few episodes of Beverly Hills 90210 (great purchase by the way, i highly suggest it, you'd be amazed at how watching brandon and brenda walsh argue over which of dylans parachute pants they like better really passes the time) and slept some more. i had the window seat, just behind the wing, which is the way is always works out. window, because i suggest it, but the wing? i dont fucking know, but always.. i mean ALWAYS. so i kept having to climb over this chinese couple sitting next to me to get to the bathroom. like literally plant my feet in any available square inch i could find and hurdle myself into the isle, praying a wouldn't kick someone in the face in the process.

so, on international flights, they have this little cartoony GPS device on the tv screens so you can watch the progress, or lack there of, of your journey. we were finally over asia, probably about an hour and a half outside of beijing, and i was feeling pretty happy to almost be on land after 10 and half hours, 5 movies, 4 hours of sleep (not consecutive mind you), 3 episodes of 90120, and 2 chinese sleepers, when all of a sudden all dreams were shattered. the little plane on the screen suddenly makes a hard turn left and starts heading pretty much back the other way. the pilot came over the loud speaker and announced "Ladies and Gentlemen, due to the weather conditions in beijing, and our lack of the fuel needed to circle the airport until it opens again, we will be directing our flight to tokyo to refuel. the flight to tokyo is about 2 and a half hours, we will land there, the fly back to beijing, taking another 3 hours, so instead of landing at 3:30pm as planned, we shoudl be in at about 8:30pm". i dont care what language you speak, you could hear the overall dissappointment in the voices and groans that came out of everyone on that plane. i felt truly defeated, but once defeat is admitted, you regain power because you stop fighting, so.. i gave in. i calmly read, slept some more, maybe fit in another episode of the BH and five and a half hours later, i had arrived. i went through, customs, got my luggage and found my dad. china, here i come.


stay tuned for the next day, featuring the great wall of china, and "ace"!!!!!!!!
photos included


coming soon to a myspace blog near you.